Therapy for a Philophobic
by mezza-verita
Summary: Lovino has many problems in his life, the biggest being bulimia nervosa. He's determined to stay sealed away from the world that caused him so much pain but, one annoyingly affectionate Spaniard forces his way into his life and discovers a bigger problem.
1. Prologue

Lovino stood almost bare as he looked down at the scales that lay below him, his mind effortlessly calculating his BMI like countless time before.

"17.7- underweight." He stated nonchalantly as his gaze rose to the small cabinet mirror only to be met by a pair darkly-rimmed puke coloured eyes that seemed to bulge a little against the dreary sullen face. Said eyes showed revolt as they hesitantly looked over the body they were held in: dull brown hair with a wild curl protruding from the parting; a near skeletal-like body in shape and colour; chapped lips concealing ever so slightly eroded teeth and long thin fingers with short bitten nails. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the cool glass as a sigh escaped from his lips. After a few seconds, Lovino opened his eyes hazily then looked at the adjacent room through its reflection but, avoided the heaped mass of perfection sprawled across the bed.

A lone maroon wall surrounded by 3 white and an Italian flag proudly draped across it from one corner to the other. A row of black drawers and wardrobes lined against one wall with a simple wooden desk in between them. Two matching single beds with black sheets on either side of the room yet one covered and surrounded by the brightly-coloured childish toys of its owner.

Inevitably, Lovino's eyes landed on the body sleeping peacefully as it lay twisted in the duvet and unknowing to the glares sent to it. Jealous, sad yet somehow, adoring glares given to the younger Italian Feliciano Vargas.

_Adorable Feliciano_

_Talented Feliciano_

"Fucking _perfect_ Feliciano" Lovino spat. That is what the adoring adults had all said to Feliciano when they were no older than 3, always finding new things to compliment and shower him with. Until, of course, they'd remember his own existence.

"Oh..."_ is what they had said, voices thick with disappointment. They'd both stand uncomfortably under the stern but expectant gaze they both sent toward each other. Upon finding nothing worth complimenting, they'd say how similar the twins were in appearance then simply leave whilst shamelessly muttering how fortunate or unfortunate his father was for having at least one son to be proud of. It had pained Lovino greatly as he grew up in his fratellino's shadow, watching his brother be fawned over to the point some would call smothering as he was left to swell with loneliness and inferiority. Such pain he could only express through cursing and blind rage at anyone unlucky enough to remember his presence. _

_But his beloved Feliciano turned a blind eye to their affection, only seeking that of the brother who would relentlessly scold and insult him until the point he was crying. Yet even through his tears, Feliciano's smile never left his face, yes it faltered a little but it never fell completely. _

_Then _he _came along. _He_ made Lovino feel like he was wanted, that he was the centre on his universe, made him feel loved. Lovino should have seen the signs, how his so-called lover would touch and kiss Feliciano and claim to have mistaken them for each other. How whenever they talked, his eyes would stray in search of Feliciano and brighten whenever they found him._

Lovino began to shake violently, sweat began to pour down his face; he needed this memory out of his system for another night.

_Lovino may have been a fool but, he wasn't an idiot; He saw the signs, he simply chose to stay in that happy delusion and when it came closer to it breaking, he became more and more desperate to hold onto the slipping pieces._

He reached for his toothbrush then carefully positioned himself of the bowl of the toilet, his eyes prickling as hot tears flowed uncontrollably down his face.

_As a last attempt to keep the only outside source of affection, Lovino surrendered his purity to him who took it without an ounce of respect. It was rough, violent and loveless but maybe it could have saved their relationship for another month._

Lovino started to gag without the assistance of the toothbrush, the memory alone was enough.

_And so they climaxed and his bastard of a lover let down his fa__ç__ade_

Hunching over, Lovino hurled his insides out, nothing but bile and blood being produced from the empty stomach.

_And called Feliciano's name in ecstasy._

For a while, Lovino just sat there and stared unseeing at the wall in front of him, waiting for the memory to dull as the burning sensation in his throat grew. With shaking arms, Lovino wiped the residue from his lips and got up to brush his teeth. He gargled some mouthwash and drank a few handfuls of water from the basin to replace the lost fluids in his stomach. He sighed and turned the light off as he left the en suite.

He silently walked to his slumbering brother who's soft gentle face was illuminated by the moon shining through the blinds. A small smile formed on his lips as he sat on Feli's bed to stroke his hair who sighed contentedly in response.

_It wasn't Feliciano's fault that Lovino was an unlovable creature or the unwanted child in their father's eyes._

_It was his, and his alone. It only took 14 years of heart break to figure that out. So Lovino built impenetrable walls around himself, vowing to never love another as he severed bonds with the world. He sealed off all of his emotions as he wore the cold steel mask and settled to watch his brother bloom as he withered with his past. It was easy, it wasn't as if he had other bonds to sever in the first place._

Lovino got up and walked back to his own bed. He lay there and thought about his plan for tomorrow which never really changed with the exception of lessons at school or school at all. He turned to look at his brother, who's face always reminded him of things he wish he couldn't remember then his own eyes fluttered shut as he too, fell into a sleep.

This time, the memory didn't fade with the pain he inflicted on himself that night. But that wouldn't stop him from trying again for many nights to come.

* * *

><p><strong>Hey guys! I want to thank you first of all for reading my first ever fanfic, so thank you so much! 3 I apologise for any grammatical errors so please tell me if there are any (but note, I write in British-English). It's pretty short as it's more of a prologue than anything and I'm pretty bad a writing so...yeah. It will gradually be Spamano with some side pairings i.e. gerita and a little usuk.<strong>

**I hope you like it!**

**Laters~**


	2. A Change in Sequence

**Therapy for a Philophobic Chapter one:**

**A Change in Sequence.**

The sun's rays glistened through the blinds causing a single eye to crack open. Its vision adjusted to the bright light as it looked over to the neon-green numbers displayed on the alarm clock. The time slowly registered in his mind but, so did the reality of his life that soon removed the precious few seconds of blissful disorientation.

8:20 AM it read.

With a groan, Lovino rolled off his bed and muttered a string of curses relating to the fact he had overslept for an hour and why school started at 8:50 and not an hour later. He stood and stretched earning several satisfying pops from his spine then ran a hand through his unkempt hair. Yawning, Lovino dragged himself down the stairs to the kitchen where Feliciano welcomed him with a warm hug and a smile as he stood already dressed and waiting.

"Ve~ _buongiorno fratello_! Did you sleep well?" Feliciano asked innocently yet, only received a grunt in response. "I was going to wake you up but, you looked really tired- even in your sleep, so I thought I should leave you in peace until you woke up. Oh, I didn't make you any breakfast or lunch because I know you don't like it when I do..."

"Yeah, thanks Feli." Was the short reply as Lovino made his way to the fridge in search for a tomato. Once finding one, he put it in a container and tossed it into his bag on the side and proceeded to pour himself a glass of water and got himself a slice of bread when Feliciano ran off after saying he forgot something. Lovino walked up and sat on the island and placed the untouched glass beside him. He swayed his legs back and forth and nibbled on the bread as he thought about his plan for his day at school.

Registration, double Physics, double Geography and double Chemistry; all in which he space out in as the world continued around him. It was a typical Monday. His family had moved from Italy to England after their mother had died from something that is yet to be explained to him. He went to an average school that had an abnormal timetable; on Mondays and Fridays he'd only have six periods which were 45 minutes each and on every other day he'd have eight periods lasting 35 minutes. It was an odd system that resulted in a change in closure time but, he was thankful that English schools started later in the day unlike American ones- if he had gone to America, there would be no chance of him ever getting up on time.

Lovino got off the island and walked back up to his bedroom and smiled slightly at the sight of his brother throwing things out of his cupboard in search of whatever it was that he was looking for. He lightly made his way to the en suite unnoticed and locked the door firmly behind him then leant against it as he clutched his forehead. A few beads of sweat trickled down his face as the room spun around him, the dizzy-spell evidently caused by the lack of nutrition. It wore off soon afterwards so, Lovino stripped down and entered the already running shower. His hands automatically reached out for items such as shower gel and shampoo whilst him mind began its morning ritual of supplying reasons for him to go to school besides the fact it was law.

He never came up with any more than one, and the one he did come up with was always the same.

"For Feliciano." he whispered. No matter how many times he's used this as a reason, it had always managed to give him the strength to live through another day despite each day pushing him closer to death. He sighed and turned off the shower, empathising with the lingering suds as he watched them flow down the drain.

Lovino turned to the door and stumbled out, wet feet drastically increasing his clumsiness, and wadded his way to the basin to brush his teeth. He stopped as he brought the brush to him mouth and took a moment to study the yellow-tinted backs of his teeth and the small build up of bile residue at the back of his tongue. These features were subtle and never noticed by anyone but, he knew his teeth would eventually rot loose and his breath would become permanently acidic; he knew the consequences of his actions. After a couple of minutes of dentist-like brushing and cleaning, Lovino left the bathroom and stifled a chuckle as he watched his brother continue his frantic search for the missing item.

Feliciano had managed to pretty much destroy the bedroom and was currently half-dressed (he most likely removed his clothes thinking it could of been in them) and was under his bed pleading for it to appear. Feeling bad for watching his brother struggle, Lovino walked up to him and grabbed his some clothes on the way.

"Seriously, what the fuck are you looking for Feli?" Lovino asked as he stepped into some skinny jeans.

Surprised at the sudden voice, Feliciano jerked his head up quickly to reply but, met the hard steel of his bed frame instead. With a yelp, Feliciano crawled his way out from under there and nursed his head until the pain sub-sided with a few whimpers escaping every now and then.

"Ve~ I'm looking for the pen Ludwig lent me yesterday but, I completely forgot I had it so, I have to find it otherwise he'll get mad at me and scold me and-and-"

"Feli, shut the fuck up. Now, where is the potato bastard's pen then?"

"Ve! Ludwig isn't a potato and he has a da-"

"Feliciano."

"Um, I don't remember where I put it but, it must be around my bed somewhere..."

Lovino, now fully dressed, looked over to the desk where he saw a blackball-point pen with "Ludwig" inscribed in gold written across it. Filled with rage, Lovino stormed up to it and grabbed it with a little too much force.

"Is this the macho-potato's pen?" It was more of a statement then a question.

"Huh? Yeah that's it Lovi!" Feliciano smiled brightly. "You have really good eyesight, I would never of-"

Snap.

Feliciano's smile fell faster than a brick as he looked at the remains of Ludwig pen in Lovino's fist.

"What do I keep telling you Feli? If you need anything, come to me not that potato-sucking, wurst-eating Nazi! Che palle!"

Feliciano pitifully whimpered as tears flowed in steady streams down his face. "B-but...!" His sentence came to a halt when the flood gates opened and Feliciano cried uncontrollably making Lovino's gut twist with guilt. He brother cried easily and frequently but it still pained him to see him like that even if it was something he considered trivial. Lovino crouched down and awkwardly pulled Feliciano in a hug which he tightly returned.

"I'm...sorry I made you upset." Lovino would rarely apologise for something and never for anything he did against the German but, he did want his brother to stop crying so he swallowed enough of his pride to do that. Feliciano's cries soon turned to hiccups then he started to put his clothes back on. Lovino's eyes drifted to at the clock on the desk beside his bed.

8:57 AM.

_Why was that ringing warning bells in his brain?_

8:57AM.

_Wait, what day was it again?_

8:58 AM.

"SHIT!" Lovino jumped up and flailed his arms about as he tried unsuccessfully to tell his brother to get in the car as they were already running late. Several failed attempts later, Feliciano looked at the clock and he too had a minor panic attack. The two ran to and then fell down, the stairs in the chaos. Lovino grabbed the keys, raced out of the house and jumped in the car only to have Feliciano run back into the house to get their bags from the kitchen. They finally got the car going and were on their 20 minute journey to Oak Grove Secondary School at 5 past 9. They had already guaranteed their detention.

* * *

><p>Lovino pulled up to the school and parked his car. Well, it wasn't actually his car; it was a gift to Feliciano from their father (or "sperm donor" as Lovino occasionally refered to him as). Neither of them, by law, were allowed to drive it anyway as they were only 17 but, years of Lovino trying to run away via their father's car, gave him time to perfect his driving skills to the point anyone would assume he had a license.<p>

The twins stepped out of the car and took a deep breath in mental preparation for the scolding that awaited. Just as Lovino placed one foot in front of the other to cross the road, a red blur swerved past them and came to a sudden halt, the tyres screeching in protest. Momentarily dazed by the suddenness, the Italians stared dumbfounded at the driver as he stumbled out of the car. Lovino quickly recovered and looked at the average red Volkswagen polo which he thought looked like shit standing next to their black Peugeot RCZ.

As the man stood up, Lovino quickly assessed his body.

'_Around 6ft 1 making him 4inches taller than me, tanned fairly muscular body with curly dark brown hair and green eyes.' _Lovino continued to stare at him, his eyebrows slightly furrowed in concentration. '_Judging from his body, he's probably around 20 and a cheery-as-fuck, half-assed body builder from the Mediterranean.' _

The man sheepishly scratched the back of his head and coughed slightly under Lovino's scrutinizing and unnerving gaze.

"Haha...I'll never get used to English roads." he said with a thick Spanish accent in a failed attempt at lightening the mood. _I'll give the fucker some credit for reading the atmosphere at least _Lovino thought but otherwise replied with an uninterested grunt whereas Feliciano laughed lightly.

"Ve~ mister...

"Antonio" he chirped.

"Mister Antonio, do you like pasta?"

_What? Of all things to ask a stranger, you ask if he like _pasta? Lovino thought. It was apparently effective as the two began to converse comfortably as if they were old friends re-uniting. Lovino barely listened to what they were saying yet, he could still pick up every time Antonio called Feliciano "cute" and "adorable" and soon grew irritated. Lovino told Feliciano to get in the school who instantly obeyed and broke into a run. As he ran however, he kept turning around to wave at the man.

Lovino continued to walk and put about 5 metres of space was between them. The Spaniard stopped waving when Feliciano was out of sight then remembered what he was supposed to be doing in the first place and ran after Lovino.

"_Oye!" _ He called out to them and quickly caught up. "I don't suppose you know where Oak Grove Secondary School is?" he said with a slight smile.

"_Che cazzo_?" Lovino just stared with disbelief at the man in front of him who in turn was standing in front of the very large sign clearly indicating the entrance of said school. The stare soon turned to a scowl. "Why should I help you?"

"Well, you seem really friendly so I thought I should ask you in case you knew; I've been driving around for ages in search of it."

Lovino paused for a second. _I take back what I said about giving this guy credit for reading the atmosphere; a rude and impatient Italian generously giving hateful glares to any insufferable person to cross his path is clearly the very embodiment of a friendly atmosphere. Moron. _

Lovino released an exasperated sigh. "It's right in front of you bastard."

"_Gracias amigo!" _He smiled brightly_ "_I'll be off now; I don't want to worsen my already bad first impression." Then proceeded to run off toward the door.

"_first impression"? _Lovino inquired _so he's going to be a new assistant teacher then?_

"God help the class he assists" Lovino looked at his watch and hurried off to school.

When he finally got in the school, he discovered that he had completely missed the morning session and some of his first period so, hastily signed in knowing Feliciano would have gone in the opposite direction for his lesson: Drama.

Lovino made his way to the science block and calmly walked into his Physics class. His teacher gave an acknowledging nod which Lovino returned. The teacher, Mr. Ward, was fairly laid back and didn't mind his students coming in late if it was no more than 15 minutes. Lovino took his seat next to an English boy with a pair of caterpillars for eyebrows. The two didn't talk often as both had a similar preference for silence.

The silence was soon broken when an excessively hyper-active American came in through the... _window? _

"The hero has arrived!" He proudly declared and struck his "hero" pose. No one reacted for it was a daily occurrence and Mr. Ward told him to sit down.

"Hey Arty!" He said to the English boy and ruffled his already messy light blond hair with green highlights.

"It's _Arthur _you knobhead." He replied and jerked his head out of the American's grasp.

"Humph! Maybe I should just call you _Art-_iculate then."

"If you do that Alfred, not only will you have no hopes of ever producing children, you will have to urinate from your arsehole." Alfred's face paled and he placed his hand protectively over his threatened regions.

Mr. Ward continued with the lesson about the solar system when the class had settled down.

Lovino spaced out as the solar system was one of the only topics he knew. He thought about his meeting with that idiot Antonio and how he naturally gravitated to Feliciano. _Like everyone else _He thought bitterly.

_Feliciano was like the sun_ he deduced. _Everyone that met him instantly shaped their actions and attention so that it revolved around him and nothing could break them out of their orbit. _Lovino leaned against his hand as he dwelled deeper in the analogy. _In this context then, he must be the moon; only every appearing in the sun's reflected glory and only the exact same part of him ever been seen. The same cold, rocky side everyone assumed was the same all over. _

His mind drifted between the lesson and the encounter for the rest of the double period and sighed as the bell rang for break and he went to go and relieve himself of the memory.

Even though meeting a new person was a change in his gray-scale life, it ended up blending into the darker sections of it.

The Geography lesson passed quickly, they were recapping rivers and the hydrological cycle in general which caused many students to groan and ask when (if ever) they were going to go outside and say "oh, this river has a nice meander in it but, it'll turn into a ox-bow lake soon" or "It doesn't precipitate that much in Australia, let's plants some tree so they can transpire".

During lunch, Lovino sat on the roof of one of the blocks. He wasn't allowed to by unwritten rules but, he sat far enough to not draw attention to himself and be told to get down. He lay on his back whilst munching on his tomato. He lazily looked up at the sky and named animals for the correspondingly shaped clouds and made some up for the unusual ones. At some point he had fallen asleep and was woken by the annoying sound of the bell.

Chemistry was his last and most hated subject. He hated balancing equations and doing any practical that required uttermost precision or would spontaneously combust otherwise. Both tasks were set every single lesson by his indirectly sadistic teacher.

He climbed off the roof with surprising grace and dragged himself to the classroom.

_A101_

As soon as he read it, he remembered the dreaded room 101 from the novel _1984_ he had studied for English a year or so back and decided that what lay behind it would be a sufficient torture method for himself if he was in the book. He pushed the door open to become the full attention of a silent class room. The teacher, Miss Perry, smiled a sickeningly sweet smile at him and asked him why he was late. But before even a word came out of his mouth, she cut him off with an order to go and sit down with a sinister tone. Lovino hastily obeyed.

There were no more seats free at the tables so Lovino settled at the work bench that went around the entire room with his back to the class. Miss. Perry continued with the lesson and moved on to explain the practical which was something about displacement reactions and Halogens but, couldn't quite make out what she was saying due to the two boys snickering behind him. He recognised the unorthodox laughs as the ones belonging to Françis and Gilbert; the two biggest trouble makers in the school.

*grope*

Lovino blushed momentarily stunned as he felt a hand firmly grab his ass. He soon filled with rage and turned to punch that stupid stubble covered, Frenchmen's face in when the door creaked open and a panting man came in. Lovino's fist unclenched as everyone turned to look at him, even the teacher was speechless. A thin layer of sweet glistened slightly over his tanned face and half-exposed muscular arms. When he caught his breath, the man stood up and the familiar face beamed when he made eye contact with everyone in the class.

"Sorry I'm late Miss, I got lost after lunch when I went to go buy some tomato's at a shop nearby."

Miss. Perry flushed slightly at the sight of him but, quickly regained her composure and asked him who he was.

"Ah, _si. _I am Antonio Fernandez Carriedo and I just recently turned 18..."

Lovino's jaw dropped. _Just turned 18? The moron looks fucking 20 at the least!_

" ...and moved here from Spain about a month ago. I don't remember my form name or room but it's a technology class room. Oh, and I'm joining this class." He finished with a bright smile.

Miss Perry introduced herself and told him to go sit next to anyone he recognised. His emerald eyes scanned the room looking at every single face in search for one that clicked in his mind. Antonio's eyes brightened as they landed on a certain brunette trying to hunch over in the corner in a futile attempt to not be seen. Antonio skipped across the room and pulled up a chair next to Lovino and the class returned to their work. He smiled blindingly as all of his pearly white teeth were shown and waited for Lovino to react of his presence.

Realising that he wasn't going to get a reaction, Antonio poked him on the head receiving a frustrated grunt of acknowledgment from the boy who then turned to look at him. Antonio didn't spend any time really looking at his face as he assumed he was just a moody version Feliciano.

"¡_Hola_ Feliciano's brother!"

Lovino stared at him.

"It's _Lovino_ tomato-bastard."

"Ah okay, what's your last name?" Antonio asked unaffected by the insult.

"I'll tell you, it's _keep-your-fucking-nose-out-of-my-business-and-piss-off." _

Antonio paused for a while and his eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he tried to decipher the information he had. His expression changed to that of confusion.

"That's a really odd name."

Lovino's palm collided with his face, _this guy is stupider than I thought_.

"Look, I'm not going to tell because I don't want to. Now leave me alone." He turned his attention back to the trees outside.

"Aww but Lovi! You look like you need some company!"

"..."

Lovino's head snapped back to Antonio and his eyes went wide for a fraction of a second. They narrowed and darkened to produce a glare cold enough to freeze fire.

"Don't you fucking dare say that to me as if you knew my life story like the back of your hand. I don't need you and I don't need _anyone_."

Antonio stared wide-eyed with shock at how Lovino responded. What he said was an innocent statement that he used as an excuse to spend time with someone. He had used it on everyone he saw alone whether it was a homeless man or a person on the bus. He'd get disapproving and generally freaked looks but, never has anyone reacted with such...

He didn't even know a name for the raw emotion shown in Lovino's tone but, it was clear enough for someone as thick as himself to see that it struck a nerve. Antonio looked with guilty eyes at Lovino who blindly stared outside; probably consumed with thoughts he was responsible for resurfacing. Antonio sighed and moved his seat to that he sat next to Françis, figuring it was best he got out of Lovino's sight.

The lesson continued like any other Chemistry lesson. Antonio had got on with everyone quickly and had become great friends with Gilbert and Françis. The work was confusing but a girl who had already finished the practical thankfully let him copy her results and answers leaving him with a whole period to mess around with the chemicals and Bunsen burners. It was exciting watching the purple flames erupt from the potassium once it made contact with water (a reaction Gilbert had discovered the painful way once washing his hands after spilling it on himself) but something or rather, someone kept nagging him in the corner of his mind every time he laughed or found something he enjoyed.

His eyes looked round the room in search of said person, eliminating the ones that didn't fit, and eventually landed on Lovino. He noticed that Lovino was in the exact same position he was in near the beginning of the lesson, completely undisturbed as everyone worked around him. Antonio stood and looked for a long time wondering why Lovino hadn't attempted to do any work or interact with anyone.

"_I don't need you and I don't need _anyone" had echoed through his mind when he finally _saw _Lovino.

His hair silky and a shade of brown that was a cross between chestnut and mahogany with a wild curl sticking out from the parting. His skin had paled due to the English weather and bore a few faded scars from childhood injuries but, it still retained some of its naturally radiant glow from Italy. He body, from what he could see, was quite thin but did have lean muscles lying underneath it so he thought nothing of it. Long slender fingers cupped his face whilst the others subconsciously scratched away at the tabletop with nails a little too familiar with his mouth.

Antonio's gaze moved to Lovino's face and his breath hitched as they landed on his eyes. Yes, they were darkly rimmed and had a few red veins from lack of sleep but they were absolutely beautiful. His irises were a jade green around the edges and gradually faded to a light brown as it reached his pupil. There were soft golden flecks scattered throughout the iris acting as the icing on a cake. His eyes were just like a sunflower, Antonio concluded.

Yet as he continued to fall into his eyes, he realized that this sunflower was closed. It was unusually bright outside but somehow, his eyes didn't shine, they were simply reflecting the light that passed through them. Lovino's eyes showed nothing but hollowness as he stared blankly, lost in thought.

"_I don't need you and I don't need _anyone"

And it hit him. Lovino did need someone, he didn't know who, how or why but he knew it as a fact. Lovino told a lie he believed himself.

Antonio jumped slightly as Lovino got up and proceeded to leave the nearly empty classroom.

_When did the bell go?_

Antonio carelessly through his books back into his bag and raced out to catch up with Lovino. He thought about both twins and how different they were, even physically once you look at them long enough. However, by the time he had got out the block, Lovino was long lost in the sea of relieved students.

"_mierda"_

* * *

><p>Lovino sighed as he waited for his brother in their car. He'd been in there for an half an hour now after spontaneously taking a walk (just as long) around the estate until Feliciano's extra curriculum session ended. He dropped his head and rested it against the steering wheel. <em>Ugh, I shouldn't have gotten so worked up over the Spanish-bastard's words; I completely overreacted. <em>His train of thought was interrupted by the passenger door shutting with a click.

"Ve~ how was your day _fratello_" Feliciano asked as he struggled to put his seatbelt on due to the pile of books in his hands.

"Fine Feli." Lovino raised his head and helped Feliciano put his seatbelt on. Once secure, he twisted the key and smoothly reversed out of the parking lot, taking a quick glance at the empty space beside them that was previously filled by a red polo.

"Anything interestingly different happen today?"

"...That Spanish bastard we met today wasn't a teaching assistant, he' a new student who is now in my Chemistry class...that's all." He decided to leave the details of their second encounter out.

"hmm, that's good. Ludwig didn't get mad when I told him about his pen and even gave me a new one to keep! Oh, and in English, Elizaveta had to..."

Lovino zoned out for the rest of the journey home knowing Feliciano would continue mindlessly chatting about his day. They pulled up to their house and got out with Feliciano still carrying on with the one-sided conversation and they entered the house.

"Ve~ home sweet home~! I'll go make some pasta for dinner, it'll be ready in about an hour."

At the mention of pasta, Lovino's stomach growled. He ignored it and remembered his promise earlier that day but, decided he'd rather let Feliciano make it seeing as he couldn't cook to save his life. Lovino threw his bag across the room where it landed on the sofa and made his way to the stairs.

"Oh and Lovi, before you go" Feliciano called from the kitchen "Do you know what 'Philophobia' means? We were studying phobias in Drama but, I didn't understand what the person was doing when he preformed it."

"Why didn't you just look it up in a dictionary afterwards?"

"Ve~...I had forgotten about it until now."

Lovino sighed and paused for a moment as he looked through his mental list of vocabulary.

"I don't know Feli and I don't really care."

"Oh, never mind then."

Lovino continued upstairs to their bedroom and changed into his pyjamas. No one would be coming over today and he sure as hell wasn't going to go out. Finding nothing better to do, Lovino decided to grab his laptop and Google the word Feliciano asked him about before dinner.

He looked at the time quickly and it read it to be 5 to 5. His eyes closed as he counted down the moments until the front door opened and a "_Bentornato pap__à_~!" was heard.

Lovino sunk into his bed, reluctantly visualising the scene of his little brother running up to his father's open arms. Their father cooed at him and asked him questions like "How was your day" and "what's for dinner?" completely forgetting his eldest son.

Lovino scowled and angrily search 'philophibia' and clicked on the third link. He started thinking about the day and how it had changed for the worse but,it was still change nonetheless and it was enough to block out some the resurfacing memories that never sunk far. Deciding to take a siesta now, Lovino moved the laptop off his lap and onto the desk by his side. He laid down and the tiredness quickly settled in causing his eyes to slowly flutter shut. In his last moments of consciousness, Lovino skimmed over the definition and lingered on the last line until he fell into deep sleep.

_Philophobia __is the fear of being in love and falling in love. The risk is usually when a person has confronted any emotional turmoil relating to love in the past but also can be chronic phobia. _

_Philophobia is defined as the abnormal, persistent and unwarranted fear of falling in love. This affects the quality of life and pushes a person away from commitment. It also triggers various symptoms that may incorporate sweating, irregular heartbeat, shortness of breath, feelings of dread, nausea and feeling of restlessness. The worst aspect of fear of being in love and falling in love is that it keeps a person in solitude._

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you to all those who read, reviewed, favourited and subscribed to this story! They made me all giddy as I read them and really motivated me to write the first chapter which is the most I've ever written for a story (it's 4, 727 words without the definition which is about 10 pages on microsoft word). <strong>The definition I copied from Wikipedia so i don't own that or the awesome Hetalia: Axis Powers.

**I'll answer each review individually but now, I will clarify a some things.**

** Yes, you will find out Lovino's past in detail and all in one or two chapters that and I will fully explain the causes for and all of his conditions. **

**Also, the reason behind Lovino describing his eyes as puke in the prologue is the fact that I wasn't sure what eye colour I should go with as, Lovino is shown to have four different eye colours (green, gold, hazel and brown) so, I just mixed them up and a combination like that reminded me of puke and it would make sense for a self-loathing person to think this too if I could. Oh, and ****sunflower eyes do exist, I have a friend with a pair and I think there really pretty.**

**Thanks again for reading this~! Don't hesitate to point out any flaws.**

**Translations (besides the obvious):**

**Italian:**

"buongiorno" - Good morning

"Fratello" - Brother

"Che palle" - It's the equivalent of saying "What bull"

"Che Cazzo" - What the fuck

"Bentornato papà_"- _welcome back dad

**Spanish:**

"mierda" - shit

**English slang:**

Knobhead- Dickhead


	3. Loosing track of Reality

**Therapy for a Philophobic ****Chapter 2:**

** Loosing track of Reality**

_A 6-year-old Lovino stood saturated in the unusually bright Italian sun as he carelessly pulled out a few blades of grass in his garden. Feeling a presence behind him, Lovino stood and turned around to face a deeply tanned woman standing before him. The sun shone brightly behind her causing her slender face to be cast in shadow but Lovino could tell she was smiling softly at him. He called out to her and her smile grew as she crouched down to his height and held out her arms. Lovino subconsciously ran up to her and felt a smile form on his own face as she caught him in a secure loving embrace. Loud and carefree laughter erupted from the two as they spun round in circles with her long wavy hair flowing out behind her. _

_They eventually slowed to a stop and she gently laid Lovino on the soft grass before joining him shortly afterwards. The two looked up contentedly at the sky as they named the many animals and shapes they saw in the clouds as well as inventing new ones for the more unorthodox ones. It was Lovino's favourite pass-time._

_Lovino's gaze shifted to that of her and his eyebrows furrowed. He studied her for a second feeling a sense of familiarity wash over him as he did despite being unable to see her face._

"_Um..."He began and waited to gain her full attention before continuing._

_Her head turned so that she could face him with her alluring smile growing wider if possible. Lovino's own however, fell upon realising her expression would change completely once the next words hanging off his tongue were uttered. His limbs began to jerk violently in a dance-like pattern as his nervousness grew causing him to huff in frustration. She placed a soothing hand over his knowing that Lovino's Choreia would only act up in moments of intense stress, fear and/or nervousness._

_There was a pause as Lovino took a deep breath._

"_Does pap__à__...Love me?" Lovino's voice shook slightly but his determination for an answer shone through._

_The woman's smile fell and she sighed exasperated._

"_Yes Lovi, he does." Her voice was kind and melodic but, when she tried to smile reassuringly it faulted at the shock at how void of truth it was and how clearly it reflected in her tone evident, from Lovino's eyebrows furrowing deeper in disbelief. Lovino questioned why he was confiding in the woman he didn't know yet found himself unable to stop._

"_Then...Then why does he only have eyes for Feliciano?" Lovino gulped "Why did he name me... 'Rovino'?" He watched her face cloud over with guilt and lament._

_Reading the woman's body language, Lovino suddenly thought of his mother and how she had tried to compensate for his father's lack of affection towards him. But it was painstakingly obvious that his father, Ricciardo, wouldn't bat an eyelid if Lovino had disappeared in the night, if anything, he would probably thank the heavens for it. It was strange, despite the fact Lovino could remember his mother's actions, he couldn't really remember any of her physical features._

_Lovino snapped out of his daze when the woman sat up, reached over and pulled Lovino into a desperate hug, stroking his hair and planted kisses on his forehead over and over again._

"_D-don't worry L-Lovino" Her voiced cracked with forced cheerfulness "I'm here, I'll look after you and protect you..."_

_Lovino stared past her and remain motionless as the woman continued to weep and mutter promises into his ear. In truth, he had already known the answer to the question before he had even asked it, it was obvious enough for even this woman to know it. He thought of his mother again and cherished moments he spent wrapped in her arms. Yet, as he thought about them, he couldn't help but feel as if the arms around him would rather be wrapped around his brother. The thought hurt him greatly as he loved his mother unconditionally to the point there was no room left for another woman in his life._

_Lovino pushed away from her and walked a few paces away as she stood startled by the action and stared at his retreating back. He kept his back to her then looked up to the sky with stinging eyes and noticed that the now indistinguishable clouds had formed a stormy grey canopy over them. He forcefully restrained his contracting limbs and swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. He blinked back the tears forming at the corners of his eyes as he thought about the precious the moments between the two when his mother showered him with affection. The moments when having a father who detested him was at the very back of his mind. The lone moments when he felt happy. But as much as he cherished them, he didn't know if it was out of motherly love or simply pity._

"_Mamma, do you...L-love m-me?" The question wasn't directed at anyone in particular, it was more of him speaking his fears than anything._

_A pregnant pause followed after._

_Lovino realised he had forgotten the woman behind him and turned to explain what he had just said and why but, found nothing but pure white emptiness. His eyes, wide with fear and confusion, darted across the room in search for her or anything at all that resembled his garden but found nothing. Lovino's heart raced and he broke into a run only to be stopped a sickening squelch emitted from the soft substance beneath him._

_Slowly, his eyes travelled down to look at the thing under him the, his eyes met a pair of lifeless green ones blindly staring back at him. _

_He stood speechless as he looked down at the pool of blood oozing from the carelessly hacked corpse of the woman. Deep gashes covered every inch of her deeply tanned skin and a shattered bone poked through her forearm. Her once silky mahogany-brown hair was matted in the dry blackened blood yet, a steady stream of it flowed from the corner of her lips that were parted in a silent scream. Lovino stared at the body that looked like a female version of him and it clicked._

_This was his mother._

_And he was standing on her body._

_His mother's mangled and lifeless body._

_A blood-curdling scream sliced through the air as Lovino staggered back from his mother. He slipped on her blood and fell causing him to drop something he hadn't realised he was grasping then, looked to his side to see that it was a long, stained dagger. In a state of shock, he reached over to grab it then saw that his hands were drenched in blood identical to that coating the knife. _

"_I...did this? B-but I don't...I wouldn't!...I-I couldn't!" Lovino clutched the sides of his head and rocked backwards and forwards as he whimpered but remained unable to cry. As he rocked, he constantly questioned how he could of done it yet, didn't doubt it in the slightest._

_His breakdown was soon halted by a faint whisper._

"_M-mamma...?"_

_Lovino's head snapped up to see his brother standing over their mother. He quickly recovered and stretched his hand out to call for his brother and explain yet no sound escaped from his quivering lips. Feliciano's confused face changes to that of horror as he pieced the information in front of him then spun on his heels and ran away from Lovino. Lovino quickly jumped to his feet and ran after his brother but, he wouldn't move anywhere no matter how hard his pumped his legs. He watched as Feliciano ran into their father's outstretched arms that comforted him instantly. _

_Lovino crumpled to the ground once again as the world around him began to flake away like old paint on a wall, leaving darkness as it went. The floor beneath him quickly gave way and Lovino fell unnoticed and into nothingness as he too started to disintegrate. He looked up at the remains of his family that remained unaffected by the quickly deteriorating realm that slowly consumed him. Lovino stared at his father as he held Feliciano tightly against him, muttering things and a malevolent grin split across his face as he watched the last ounces of his son dissolve into oblivion._

"Fratello!"

_Lovino's eyes squinted as he tried to make out the words formed by his father's mouth but was blocked by a small voice and a blurry bright light._

"Fratello, please!"

_Lovino scrunched his eyes shut and drifted between sleep and consciousness as the voice grew louder._

"Lovino, please wake up!"

Lovino jolted awake at the sound of his full name. His eyes darted around frantically in a prolonged moment of panic and disorientation. His pillows and duvet had been thrown off him and were currently half-way across the room in a heaped mess. The bed-side lamp that had once resided on the small desk had smashed against the wall leaving pieces behind after penetrating it.

Lovino panted deeply and wiped the thick layer off sweat of his face, wincing slightly as his split knuckles stung once making contact with the salty water. He finally pulled himself together then turned to his brother whose face was etched with worry and concern. There was a slight pause which was broken by Lovino's hoarse coughing as he attempted to ask Feliciano of his welfare; his throat felt as if it had been vigorously rubbed by very coarse glass paper.

"Ve, don't talk fratello, are you alright?"

"Fucking fantastic."

Feliciano's eyes flashed with disbelief but quickly reverted to concern.

"Are you sure fratello? Do you want me to call the school and tell them you're ill?"

"God Feli, I don't need to miss school because of a dream" _a dream _he repeated "Besides, we've on;y been have another shitty assessment in Food-tech today; I gotta show that bastard of a teacher how to cook don't I?" Lovino smirked slightly.

"...If you say so Lovi."

Feliciano suddenly returned to his cheerful self and dismissed himself to allow Lovino to dress in peace. He stopped as he got to door and looked back on his brother who was muttering how any face but a happy one didn't suit him especially as he was named _Felici_ano.

"Ve~ Lovi, do you want any breakfast? I'm making toast with grilled cheese and tomato." Feliciano wasn't sure why he asked this but he knew Lovino could do with one and today he seemed a bit more lenient than usual.

"...Only if you use the Ainuzzi cheese on mine and not that crap stuff called "cheddar". And add more tomatoes of course."

Feliciano smiled brightly and left the room as Lovino went into the en suite. As soon as Feliciano heard the shower run, he weakly leant on the door and raised a hand to him forehead then, slowly slid to the floor and drew his knees to his chest. Tears flowed down his face as he thought about the previous night.

_Feliciano gasped as he woke to the sound of glass breaking. He quickly looked to the source and found the silhouetted limbs of his brother thrashing uncontrollably. Believing it to be another Choreia attack, Feliciano quickly turned on the main light and went to remove any objects around Lovino. Unlike the small and rare jerks here and there caused by stress or fear, the episodes that happened at night were completely unstoppable and random but, he grew used to them over the years. He looked as Lovino whose face writhed with pain and noticed it wasn't physical. Feliciano went to the bathroom in search for a towel to wet but, stopped in mid-step as Lovino let out an ear-splitting scream. Feliciano's head snapped back to see Lovino crying and looking absolutely horrified and he ran to his side. _

"_M-mamma..."_

_Feliciano froze the second that word left Lovino's mouth. _

'_He's dreaming of our mother? B-but that's impossible! He shouldn't even remember her! Not after...' _

_Another scream interrupted his train of thought causing Feliciano to grasp Lovino's hand. He stroked his hand trying to calm him down upon realising that this wasn't the Choreia causing the attack but his dream. Lovino didn't calm down however, and continued to writhe in agony. Feliciano felt his own eyes prickling then tried to get Lovino to wake up without much success. He continued to beg his brother to wake up and began shook him slightly but it was still futile._

"_Lovino please, wake up!" _

'_Lovino' he thought. He had never called him it before and it felt so foreign on his tongue. Thankfully though, it managed to wake him up._

Feliciano knew what the dream was about but, he didn't think the memory could ever come back after they treated him. It _shouldn't _of come back. Feliciano hiccupped slightly as he wiped his face. He put on a light smile on then stood back up and went to the kitchen to continue making the breakfast, all the while suppressing the image of Lovino's face on _that_ day.

* * *

><p>"Alright class, as you all know, we have an assessment today!" The teacher, ironically called Mr. Ovens, said with an annoying amount of enthusiasm. The class simply groaned.<p>

"But with a twist! Instead of cooking English cuisine like usual, I will put you into groups and assign each one with a foreign country theme."

On cue, the room buzzed with excitement; for once they weren't going to make pub food like bangers and mash or toad in a hole. Arthur on the other hand, paled slightly as his already less-than-desirable cooking skills would undoubtedly struggle to produce any foreign dish even he could consider edible.

"Right, everyone line up and I'll give you a number between 1 and 4 so, that should make 5 even groups."

However, just as everyone was sorted, the door was kicked in revealing the ever shameless and self-promoting Gilbert Beilschmidt accompanied by the equally troublesome Françis and Antonio.

"Kesesesesese! Your shipment of awesome, awesomeness has arrived!"

Gilbert smirked, unaffected by the irritated glares of his peers, waltzed in then took his seat on a work top whilst his companions pulled out stools and sat around him.

"You're late Gilbert."

"I know right?" Gilbert's smirk widened causing Mr. Ovens eyebrow to twitch.

"You two are as well," He gestured to Antonio and Françis "Care to give an explanation or should we skip to the detention part?"

"_Lo siento se__ñ__or _it won't happen again but, me and my _amigos _had to help a teacher carry some text books." Antonio informed as the teacher gave him a scrutinizing look.

"Very well, you three will have to be in a group as everyone else is sorted; Antonio, you're the leader. Oh, your group may be one member short but as they say, too many cooks-"

Mr. Ovens was cut off again by a rather disgruntled Lovino storming in and slamming a pile of brand new cookware on his desk.

"There, I got the fucking utensils." Lovino huffed, his voice still raspy.

"Ah, thank you and language Mr. Vargas."

"Whatever, damn it!" He yelled causing Mr. Ovens to roll his eyes "and don't call me ''." he muttered but, otherwise went unheard.

"Right, where was I...? Ah yes! Lovino, you'll be in Antonio's group-"

"WHAT?" Lovino winced slightly as he said this. He couldn't believe it, not only did he have to be in the same group as the tomato, potato and wine bastards, but said tomato-bastard was the leader: surely it couldn't get any worse?

"Yes, and your theme will be Spanish cuisine." He finished receiving a triumphant fist-pump from the Spaniard.

'_Great.' _Lovino thought. It wasn't that he disliked Spanish food, quite the contrary actually, but he knew almost nothing when it came it to cooking it and really hated the idea of relying on someone else, Antonio no less, to help him.

"Can I put tomatoes in it?" Antonio asked to the slight surprise of Lovino who didn't expect anyone to enjoy tomatoes like he did.

"If you want to."

Antonio clenched his hands into fists to restrain himself from calling out in sheer delight but, shook slightly, unable to completely suppress it. _'This guy really likes tomatoes doesn't he...'_Lovino thought back to when he first found out Antonio was a student after turning up late as he had left school grounds in search of the red fruit.

"_Idiota" _Lovino thought as he stared at him, studying his glistening eyes then pictured Antonio with a pair of brown dog ears with a wagging tail to match. The image of the dog-like Antonio was only strengthened by the little pink tongue poking out his mouth.

'_Cute' _came to mind but Lovino vigorously shook his head to clear it out.

He begrudgingly made his way to his group as Mr. Ovens assigned each group a theme: Arthur's group, consisting of Alfred and two others Lovino could really care less about, received 'American' much to the delight of one and dismay of the other; another group with this Hungarian girl named Erzsébet Héderváry , was given 'Hungarian' which provided Lovino enough evidence for him to know that the teacher only wanted to use this assessment as an opportunity to exploit the foreign pupils for their dishes and then tuned out the rest of Mr. Ovens words. He was also slightly thrown off at how hungrily the girl stared at the copper frying pan on the desk but soon turned back to face his group members.

Antonio had at some point slunk an arm around his friends, which Françis eagerly returned and both were smiling cheerfully (although, Françis had a perverted glint in his eye) whilst Gilbert texted on his smart-phone.

"Hey Kid!" Gilbert said, sliding his phone back in the pocket of his red hoody.

'_Kid'? _Lovino thought with distaste.

"_Willkommen_ to the awesome team, _Gilbert and co._!" He declared proudly, his signature grin in place on that obnoxious face of his.

"_Mon ami, _I thought zat we agreed on '_Bad Touch Trio_', no?" Françis nonchalantly corrected.

"...Bad Touch Trio? Lovino was remotely interested at how one would come up with a name like that but soon regretted asking when Gilbert stood up and cleared his throat, most likely in preparation for a long-winded, not to mention exaggerated speech about his "awesomeness".

"Well, it's 'Bad' 'cause I'm _bad-ass! _As well as awe-"

" 'Touch' because Françis says I'm very touchy-feely but, I don't see how..." Antonio chirped in to spare the world from another one of Gilbert's monologues but, also as an excuse to talk to Lovino.

"It's not that hard to see why, _idiota" _Lovino muttered looking at the arm draped around Françis "But then..." he then noticed that Françis' own had drifted to Antonio's waist and did not appear to be stopping anytime soon.

"And'Trio' because well..." Françis' gaze moved to Lovino and his smile became uncomfortably suggestive "I am most likely to engage in a threesome, no? _Ohonhonhonhonhon~_"

Lovino shuddered and decided to change the topic, it was clear that wasn't the real reason they had chosen 'trio', but he did not doubt what the Frenchman said about himself.

"Oi! _Pomodoro bastardo, _what do you suggest we cook?"

"Hm? Oh! We could make _Paella Valenciana_ or, _Urta a la Roteña_-"

"Anything that contains pasta?" Lovino wanted something that he at least knew what looked like that wasn't paella and at least had a little Italian in it.

"We could make _Ensalada de Pasta, _which is a salad dish and not too complicated to make."

"Whatever."

The group dispersed upon deciding what they were going to cook in search of ingredients and cookware. Françis went off in search of the tomatoes and found one girl who had taken the entire supply of them for no apparent reason as well as the onions and peppers. He miraculously managed to get what he needed by using a very tacky pick-up line involving a "lovely pair of tomatoes" and then walked off leaving the her giggling with a slight blush on her face. Gilbert on the other hand, wasn't so lucky with the women and was currently being threatened with a frying pan after pushing the face of an upper middle-class Austrian named Roderich into a tray of _Quiche Lorraine A La Suisse _ and stealing his salt which was apparently vital for the recipe. Antonio went to get the mayonnaise and carrots without any trouble but got side-tracked by a pretty blonde girl with green eyes making chocolate.

Lovino draped a blue and white apron over himself then stood facing the window and began cooking the pasta. He gave it a stir then zoned out as he watched a couple of year 7's play with a football. They weren't particularly good at it as they had occasionally misplaced their foot and slipped on the ball then fell on the concrete floor but they all laughed and got up as if any injuries they sustained had no affect on their joyous mood. It reminded him of when he and Feliciano would play football together as children. He stirred the pasta again but jumped slightly when a squirrel hopped onto the windowsill. Lovino stared at its beady black eyes and slowly reached over to shoo it out of the class room but the second his hand came within reach, the squirrel nipped at his middle finger causing his to yelp then leapt into the room. Lovino instinctively popped his finger in his mouth to stop the bleeding that spat it out remembering a dirty little _squirrel_had bitten it and ran it under some water as he looked for the squirrel with his eyebrows furrowed in irritation. He spotted it nibbling on his tomato then grabbed the nearest thing to him which was a rolling pin. "Come here you little fucker..." he whispered as he crept closer to it and held the rolling pin right above it's little head. He swung it but missed as the squirrel jumped out of the way and he ended up knocking the pot of pasta over and scolded his leg in the process. Lovino ignored the pain and turned back and relentlessly swung the rolling pin at the squirrel who continued to jump out of harm's way living another important object to get destroyed instead. After about 10 minutes of this, Lovino had lost track of the squirrel and panted lightly as he tip-toed to look through the now bare cabinets above the counter for the damn thing. "What are you doing Lovi?" came the voice of a puzzled but nonetheless amused Spaniard. "Wha-?" Lovino jumped surprised and a little scared at the sudden voice and spun round to face him only to slip unceremoniously on the pasta and water he had spilled earlier. Antonio reached to grab him but missed and winced when Lovino's head painfully hit the edge of the counter. He crouched down instantly to Lovino who had curled up on the floor, clutching the hook of his head and muttering "Fuck" repeatedly.

"Lovi! Are you okay? What on earth happened?" He asked with his hands hovering over Lovino unsure whether to comfort him or not.

"T-that stupid f-fucking SQUIRREL!" Lovino yelled and glared with watering eyes in the general direction of where said squirrel was.

"Squirrel...?" Antonio looked around the mess Lovino and the supposed squirrel made, but found no squirrel.

"Antonio, take Lovino to the nurse's office. Here's a destination slip." Mr. Ovens handed Antonio a yellow slip as the class stared dumbfounded at the scene.

"Si, um Lovi, we're going to the nurse's office okay?" Antonio went to help Lovino up but he smacked his hand away.

"I can hear dumbass" Lovino shakily stood up and dusted his jeans off in vain as the flour on them had mixed with the water "And I already told you it's _Lovino_."

Lovino took a step but staggered a bit causing Antonio to put an arm round him support. Lovino protested but made no attempt to remove the arm as it would be far more embarrassing to slip again in front of the class and he needed to conserve what little pride he had left. The class quickly returned to their work and the chatter resumed. As the two reached the door, Lovino turned his head back to his work station only to see the very squirrel that had caused all of this to be sitting on the windowsill with what seemed like a satisfied glint in its eyes.

Lovino glared at the squirrel as it hopped out the classroom then turned back as the two made their way to the nurse's office in the other block. His head still hurt quite a bit and had caused his eyesight to become a little blurry around the edges. When they reached their destination, Lovino sat on one of the chairs as Antonio knocked on the door alerting the nurse of their presence as she was currently tending to another student.

Antonio leant on the wall a few paces from where Lovino was sitting and fiddled with some change in his pocket to occupy himself in the awkward silence.

Lovino on the other hand, twirled his thumbs around each other as sweat began to form on his forehead. How he hated going to the nurse, or any medical practitioner of that matter. He was scared of the tools they had (not that he admitted this to anyone), the sterile atmosphere and their scrutinizing gazes. But most of all, he hated how they would talk about him, completely uncaring as they acted as if they knew everything that was wrong with him just because a piece of paper that hung up on the wall behind them said so.

They were complete idiots as he proved time and time again after every visit he had. If they were any good at their job, they would have noticed that he was underweight and come to the conclusion that he was either bulimic or anorexic. That the wounds on his body weren't all caused from his clumsiness. That he was a lost cause. But even if they did, they'd just assume all of it was over a typical teenage problem like thinking he was fat or ugly or something just as trivial. Lovino gasped slightly as he felt a warm hand over his.

"It's okay, Lovi." Came a soft voice. Lovino looked up and for a split second he saw his mother looking back at him.

"_Mamm-" _Lovino blinked and the mirage vanished as his eyesight focused leaving Antonio's face.

"Huh?" Antonio asked confused, Lovino sighed and put on his stern façade.

"I told you not to call me "Lovi" bastard."

"Alright, but Lovi-"

Lovinoglared at him

"But _Lovino, _are you alright? You're feet kept tapping and twitched oddly every now and then."

Lovino paled slightly, he hadn't noticed this as he was so wrapped up in thought. How was he going to explain this without going into a deep conversation with the bastard?

"Y-yeah, I have this condition called Choreia meaning my arms and legs sometimes move without me wanting them to."

"...Is there a cure?"

"Not that I know of." Antonio's face dropped causing Lovino to panic slightly "But, don't worry or any shit like that, it's not too bad."

He honestly didn't know why he was attempting to reassure Antonio, for starters, he wasn't any good at stuff like that and it was his problem but, Antonio seemed genuinely concerned about it.

"Okay Lovino~" Antonio smiled brightly and started to lean into Lovino who stared at him paralysed with confusion.

"Wait, bastard what are you doing-"

"Fusosososo~" Antonio encircled him in a hug causing Lovino's face turn a deep shade of red '_what the hell?' _he thought.

"It's a charm to cheer you up Lovi!" Antonio replied seemingly able to read his mind "Fusososososo~"

The hug was awkward to say the least yet, somehow enjoyable. Lovino absentmindedly lifted his arms to return it then realised what he was doing and pushed Antonio away with as much as he could muster.

"Lovi?"

"Don't hug me."

"Lovi, what's wrong?"

"Don't hug me, don't even touch me again!"

"I don't understand-"

"Don't 'I don't understand' me damn it, just stay away from me! I don't want anything to do with you, for fuck's sake!" he wasn't going to fall for it. _Not this time Lovino _he thought to himself _Not ever._

Antonio stared at Lovino speechless, he couldn't comprehend how a simple hug managed to enrage him so much, after all, he gave them to everyone he met. The he remembered what happened in the chemistry lesson.

"Wait, Lovino I'm sorry, I didn't-" The door opened and a boy about their age came out, he looked a lot like Alfred but neither of them had seen him before.

"Okay Mathieu, try not to forget you're inhaler next time; we don't need another scare like that again do we?" The boy, Mathieu, chuckled lightly at the nurse's words and left after sparing a quick nervous glance towards Antonio and Lovino.

"Next?" She asked and Lovino made his way into the room and shut if behind him. Antonio sat down with a sigh then, stared down at his worn out red converses.

_Why did Lovino react the way he did?_

_Why is Lovino always cold to everyone?_

_Why did he call him "_mamma_"?_

He now knew that the Lovino he and everyone else thought they had known wasn't the true Lovino. That one was locked away deep inside of him. Yet somehow, a part of it had slipped through when Antonio had embraced him. Antonio got up and left the room, he needed to know the answers and he was going to find out why. He wasn't going to stand by and watch Lovino kill himself.

* * *

><p><strong>And that's chapter 2~! I'm not overly pleased with it because I suck at writing more cheerful scenes and it was surprisingly hard to write as the Bad Touch Trio but, hopefully I'll improve. I had a really bad block all week so sorry if I've made any mistakes, if some parts make no sense or are boring (let me know if they are) and once again thank you for all of the alerts, favourites and reviews! :D<strong>

**Oh, and Riccardo is rome (yes, I know rome is their grandfather) and his name means powerful/strong/firm ruler. Felici means happy as does Feliciano and Rovino bascially means "I ruin".**

**And I changed my username to mezza-verita meaning half-truth.**


	4. Two steps forward, one step back

**Therapy for a Philophobic chapter 3:****Two steps forward, one step back.**

_Pore so se oye este refrán_

"_¡Que viva España!"_

_Y slepmpre la recordarán_

"_¡Que viva España!"_

_La vida tiene otro Sabor_

_Y España es la Mejor_

Antonio's tanned eyelids fluttered open. His thick, curly lashes had a light coating of the golden dust left over from the nostalgia-filled sleep from the night before. He turned to his little black phone on the small desk beside him that was childishly decorated with stickers of the fruit he so favoured. A rather large and calloused hand ran through his tussled chestnut hair whilst another, identical to the first, turned off the alarm on his mobile. It was 5 o'clock am on a Wednesday.

Antonio looked to his only window surrounded by the paled yellow walls, ridden with patches of damp and areas bare of the paint that had peeled off after years of neglect. Above the window, a small dark cross hung and below was a simple desk with a stack of paper and utensils neatly aligned on it. The window itself was in dire need of repair but, it had the flag of Spain proudly draped across it. As the early morning rays shone through, it projected the flag across the entire room giving it a lively glow that created a subtle sense of Spain in the run-down British flat.

With a few satisfying pops, Antonio stretched his spine and limbs before taking an eager hop from his bed then, lightly skipped to the small desk beneath the window and took a seat on the desk top. He gazed unseeing onto the overpopulated estate outside before whispering a silent prayer for his Family.

His family consisted of his 2 brothers and his mother who had all lived in the suburbs of Milan. With little to their name, it was quite surprising how they got by with only the most basic of necessities yet somehow, they managed. Paulo, Antonio's younger brother, had always fought tooth and nail with him over the most trivial things like, how he would always ferociously attack Antonio whenever he accidently crossed the line between each other's side of the room or when Antonio took his ball without asking. Eventually, Paulo got so fed up about it that he swore that he'd leave for Portugal as soon as the opportunity arose regardless of the fact they both knew it never would. Marcello, Antonio's older brother whom he had a striking resemblance to, was more aloof and tended to take siestas a lot. At the time, Antonio didn't understand why Marcello had started to speak a little differently and had convinced himself that he was losing his ability to speak as he rarely did. At least until he found Marcello's journal which had crude little illustrations of a flag he later found out to the Mexican one. By 17, Antonio had managed to learn English and his Mother insisted that he should go to England as she didn't want him to waste his potential. He refused of course, as it would require their life savings but... She convinced physically in the end.

Regret slowly seeped into Antonio's mind and he thought of them, regret of things he had done and didn't do, that he could've prevented it from happening if he wasn't so selfish. He clutched his rosary and swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat; he truly misses them but, it's going on with life that'll make up for it and not wallowing in the past. He shook his head free of it then went to have a shower before packing his backpack and catching up on his homework.

When 8:15 came around, he left his little flat for the one next it belonging to a young mother and her child. Antonio knocked a few times before a small, tired-looking brunette opened the door and gave him an uninterested and slightly hostile look before recognising him.

"Anthony!" She called before throwing her arms around him in a tight embrace. Antonio greeted her back, ignoring the fact she only ever managed to remember his name in the English equivalent and pulled away before he broke his back from bending down awkwardly. The woman, Claire, invited him in before hurrying off back into the kitchen where she was presumably preparing her son's lunch. Soon afterwards, she was back and was giving indistinct instructions as she haphazardly put on her shoes and make up before bolting out the door and down the stairs leaving an echo of her yelling "Thank you".

Antonio chuckled lightly to himself then crept up on the small boy who sat in the middle of the living room carpet, eyes glued to the TV. He silently put his lips to the boy's ear, making sure that his breath wouldn't give him away.

"...Boo." he whispered, earning a terrified scream from the child as he leaped 4 feet into the air. He quickly spun around before they both burst out laughing, clutching their stomachs as tears threatened to spill. Once they regained their composure, the small boy grinned brightly at Antonio who ruffled his hair.

"It's time to go now _mi amigo_, school starts soon, and we only have 10 minutes to get there."

"Aww! But I _hate _school: it's so boring. Can't I just stay home and watch TV?"

"_Lo siento _but, I can't let you stay home again; you can only pretend to be sick once in a while."

"Please, Antonio?"

"I'm sorry, you can't."

"_Por favour, señor?"_

"..."Antonio was stuck, George was so cute when he spoke Spanish but, he can't hinder his education._"_If you go to school today, I'll make you some paella, how does that sound?"

At the promise of food, George's eye's lit up and he rapidly nodded his head then grabbed his book bag before running out the door with Antonio hot on his heels.

* * *

><p>Antonio manage to arrive in school on time, as he made his way to his form room, he passed the nurse's office and had a quick flash-back of himself and Lovino the day before. He frowned slightly as he pondered on how exactly he was going to do that and decided he should find out some more information on Lovino before making any moves. He entered his form room and his tutor nodded towards him in acknowledgement before he took his place besides Gilbert and Françis.<p>

"_Bonjour, mon ami._"

"'Sup?"

"_¡hola!"_

The trio greeted and fell back into a relaxed silence as the teacher took the register.

"_Oye_...Do you guys know much about Lovino?" Antonio whispered to the two who turned to him in response.

"Huh? The little Italian prick? Sure, what d'you want to know?"Gilbert replied, removing the yellow pencil he was balancing between his upper lip and nose.

"Um, well...what's he like? Is he always angry?"

"Dude, that guy is always on his man-riod."

Françis and Antonio looked to each other quickly.

"'man-riod'?" Antonio asked

"Man period. Awesome word right? I invented it."Gilbert informed rather smugly and then called out a "_Ja_" to confirm his presence to the teacher.

"Right...anything else?"

"Well, whenever he's not bitching at someone, he kinda just spaces out and stuff. And he seems to need to piss a lot seeing as how much he goes to the toilet. I don't know, his brother is better than him anyway." Gilbert waved his hand in a dismissive way.

"Ah, _oui. _Feliciano is 'ow you say, the better of the two." Françis chirped in then, winked and blew a kiss toward the teacher as his name was called.

"But surely he can't be _that_ bad, what food does he like?" Antonio persisted as his eyebrows furrowed deeper.

"_Gott_, are you turning into his stalker or somethin'? 'Cause if you are, you should be finding this stuff out yourself."

"_Gilbert."_

"Yeah, yeah. He likes tomatoes and pasta right? I mean, don't all Italians?"

"Do all Germans like beer, wurst and potatoes?" Françis countered.

"Only the awesome ones." Gilbert winked.

The two continued to bicker as Antonio sat in deep thought '_He likes tomatoes? Good, at least we have one thing in common. Maybe I can find him at lunch and talk about them? No, he'll just glare at me and move away.'_

"Antonio."

'_But maybe, I could find him in our next lesson and offer him a tomato! Surely, he won't refuse a tomato?'_

"Antonio?"

"So soft, smooth and juicy that you can't help but grab it and bury your face in it..."

"Antonio Fernadez Carriedo! Go outside, you have a detention with me at break."

Antonio snapped out of his daze and wiped the trail of drool forming at the edge of his mouth. He looked up in bewilderment to his teacher who wasn't wearing the most modest of shirts then to his friends in confusion.

"Er...She thinks you were looking as 'er breasts." Françis quietly informed as Gilbert tried to stifle his unique laughter.

"_¿Que? _ But I wasn't! I was thinking about tomatoes-"

"_Outside now, Antonio."_

With his head hanging low and a pout on his lips, Antonio made his way out of the room. As soon as he shut the door behind him, the bell rung and a blur of students burst out of their rooms, pushing him outside along with them.

"_Kesesese_! Antonio, you should've seen the look on your face!" Gilbert laughed as he passed Antonio his bag. "Although, I could've sworn Miss half wanted you to grope her, you Spanish beast." Françis nodded in agreement.

"It's not funny Gil, I have detention you know."

"_Oui, _but it who knows? Maybe you two will smooch up a storm."

"R-really? But I can't do that with a _teacher._" Antonio's face had paled several shades at the thought of it.

"_Ohon_, _l'amour _works in mysterious ways."

"B-but, I-"

" Don't worry you're little head Antonio, I was only joking." Françis placed a reassuring hand on the small of his back that soon travelled south.

"Anyway, I got Maths next with that Hungarian girl, see you guys later."

"_Et, _I 'ave art."

The trio waved at each other as they departed. Antonio took a deep breath as he prepared himself for English. He wasn't bad at it, after all, he was very creative when it came to interpreting the Author's intention; the problem was being able to convey his thoughts onto paper in a sophisticated way.

Antonio entered the classroom to find that he was the only one there besides Arthur Kirkland who had already read half of the book they were supposed to be starting today.

"Good morning." He said without taking his eyes of the page, Antonio smiled in response and took the seat opposite him, their teacher had given them a seating plan and had grouped together people who had weaknesses that were another's strength to encourage collaboration amongst themselves in order to improve their grade. Either that or he was just too lazy to teach them.

They were soon joined by the rest of the class, some of the faces Antonio recognised like Alfred, the boisterous American, another boy his didn't know the name of but, tended to sleep every lesson unless they were studying poems and a cute girl with cocoa-coloured skin and pigtails.

"Yo, Artie! Check out my new Vans." Alfred boasted. He sat on the table opposite to theirs and placed his feet onto Arthur's side of the desk. Arthur marked the page he was on before placing it down and glaring at Alfred's shoes.

"Lovely. Now move them."He said, he had always preferred converse anyway.

"Dude, you jealous or what?" Alfred smirked then wiggled his feet in Arthur's face.

"I'm consumed with it. Now, move your feet off my desk."

"Ha, I knew you would be; your eyebrows always give it away." Arthur's eyebrow twitched in annoyance, not only was Alfred not complying, he also had the nerve to bring his eyebrows into it.

"Really now? So, how exactly do they do that?"

"They grow even bigger."

"..._What?"_

"Shocking right? But they do, only a little bit so only a hero like myself could notice."

"Or you just spend too much time staring at my face, you twat." Arthur rolled his eyes and turned back to his book, opting to ignore the size 12 feet in his face. Alfred remained silent then moved his feet off the desk so he could turn his face away from Arthur and face the open window. The classroom silenced as the teacher finally decided to come and do his job.

"Sorry I'm late, I had to finish marking the other class's homework." Mr. Aldridge said as he took off his coat.

'S_ure, that's what you say to every class you teach' _the students thought.

"Now, today we have a new pupil joining us, he moved up from the class below so, don't be surprised when a new face enters the room at some point." Right on cue, Lovino walked into the room with a disgruntled expression on his face.

He took his time to individually glare at everyone in the room, his eyes quickly moving on once they landed on Antonio's then, met the teachers in an expectant way.

"Ah yes, Lavingto-

"_Lovino, _dammit."

"Right, take a seat next to Arthur over there and don't swear in my classroom."

"Whatever." He said but, had otherwise taken his seat without further complaint or looking at the Spaniard in front of him.

"Lovi~ _¿Cómo estás?"_

"..." Lovino ignored him and picked up the copy of '_Of Mice and Men' _in front of him then turned to the first page with minimal interest. He vaguely heard the teacher start reading before asking a student to continue where he left off.

"Lovi? Lovi, Lovi, Llooovvviii."

Lovino closed his eyes and exhaled to calm himself.

"Lovi, can you hear me? Am I speaking too quietly? Lovi, Lovi!"

"_WHAT?_" Lovino yelled through gritted teeth causing several heads to turn.

"How are you?" he smiled.

"I'm _fine_." _Completely fine._

"Are you sure? Because I've got some tomatoes for lunch so, maybe we could talk for a bit whilst we eat them."

"I'm damn sure and even if I wasn't, I wouldn't come to you for counselling you tomato-bastard." _I wouldn't go to anyone._

"But, you're fine if we eat tomatoes together then?"

"W-well, I don't mind the tomatoes but, I'm not eating them with you, dammit." _You'd just get sick of me anyway._

"Aww, but Lovi, everything tastes better when you eat it with a friend."

"Shut up, I'm not your friend." _I'm no-one's friend._

"Then-"

"Antonio, since you seem to be having very in-depth discussion with Mr. Vergis-" Lovino rolled his eyes. "Would you care to offer an alternate interpretation of the line we just read?" Mr. Aldridge wore a sly smirk knowing the two weren't listening the entire time. However, Arthur discreetly pointed to the line they were at in the book to save Antonio from the pending embarrassment.

" '_Curely's wife lay with a half-covering of yellow hay._' " When did they get this far in the book? He thought then quickly scanned the previous paragraph to understand the scene. "Er, Steinbeck could be showing how, um, Lennie sees Curley's wife as nothing more than a pet like his other ones. This is because...he buried her in the same way he buried the puppy as well as stroking her."

"Yes...?" Mr. Aldridge pressed.

"Alternatively," Antonio quickly looked to Lovino, pleading for help but, got nothing but a smug smirk in return. "It could show...that he considers her to be lower than the puppy as he... did not cover her completely with straw so, went to half the effort."

"And..?"

"Um, this could be more effective if he did not cover her at all and it would be very clear to the reader." Antonio finished.

"Good Antonio, that was a fairly deep analysis, good thinking."

"Haha, yeah...I'm a very deep thinker, _señor._" Antonio smiled and scratched the back of his head sheepishly as the teacher returned to the class.

Lovino watched Antonio take a breath of relief before thanking Arthur for helping him. '_Deep thinker my ass, I could take a walk through his deepest thoughts and I wouldn't even get my ankles wet.' _

The lesson droned on and they were put into mixed groups and assigned a task to complete. Lovino was put in a different group to Antonio and Arthur but found he was unable to keep his eyes off Antonio. Lovino watched him talked animatedly with a few girls, including Isabelle, the blonde girl with her signature cat-grin and green ribbon that Lovino pretended to have a crush on in his younger years at school.

Antonio said something that made them all laugh and scoot a little closer to him, twirl their hair around their fingers and puff out their chests a bit more than needed. He then leaned into her neck and presumably smelt her perfume then drew back and complimented her, receiving a high-pitched giggle afterwards, all the while remaining oblivious to their intentions. Another girl somehow managed to 'hurt' herself causing Antonio to panic a little and give her a comforting hug while he chanted his little "Cheer-up" charm. The boys in the group all glared enviously at him then, took his book and passed it along so that they could throw it behind the cupboard and did similar actions with some of his other belongings. He didn't notice as expected of him.

Lovino frowned at this, it was obvious that Antonio was just plain simple and didn't really know the consequences of his actions yet, all of these people were going out of their way to be mean to him just for being nice.

'_Just like you'_ Lovino thought but shook his head to remove it. But it was true, he had gone out of his way to keep Antonio from getting close to him but, it wasn't like he had anything against him personally; he did it to everyone after all. Yet, out of everyone, Antonio was the only one to continue pursuing him. Was it some sort of bet to see how long he could put up with him? No, of course not but, that just raises more questions and possibilities that made Lovino uneasy. Why was it that Antonio still treated him as a friend even though he made it clear he didn't want anything to do with him?

Lovino jumped slightly as Antonio snapped his head in his direction with a solemn expression on his face. Antonio excused himself from his group, stood up and walked up to Lovino making his heart pound faster and harder in his chest.

"Lovino, at break I need to talk to you, will you listen to what I have to say?" Antonio stood rigid and tense as his green eyes bore down into his own.

"What? S-sure... Whatever." Lovino was momentarily thrown off at how serious his tone was and how he called him Lovino in place of "Lovi" without him asking to was unnatural, even if he didn't like the shortened version.

* * *

><p>"So um, Lovino, about yesterday...I'm sorry for pushing boundaries."<p>

The two sat on a secluded wall, away from anything that could disturb them. Antonio fiddled a bit with the badges on his bag.

"What do you mean?" Lovino knew what he was referring to but, he hoped Antonio would drop the subject if he caught on to his tone of voice.

"About the hug I mean."

'_No, of course Antonio wouldn't pick up on that.' _Lovino thought "...Just don't do it again."

"Really, I am sorry. I tend to just do whatever comes to my head first which ends up getting me into trouble."

"Yeah, I figured."

An awkward silence fell upon them.

"I don't understand. Why a hug of all things? Why do you feel the need to hug and show affection to everyone you meet no matter how much they push you away and insult you?" Lovino mentally smacked himself for voicing his thoughts in a way that made it sound as if he was referring to himself.

" I don't know really. I guess I just want to show everyone that I care about and accept them just for being in my life and not for what they do, good or bad."

Lovino thought back to the girls in his English class "Wouldn't that send out the wrong messages? Like, what if one person thought your only treated them like that and fell in love with you?"

"I always thought that if I treated everyone equally, then no-one would fall for me to be honest. It's weird really..." Antonio drifted off but, Lovino was too interested to let this go.

"What's weird?" Lovino asked but, Antonio gave him a wary look then shook his head. "I won't laugh, just spit it out."

Antonio took a deep breath "I... I just don't ever want to get romantically involved with anyone. I don't know why, but I'd be happier to have everyone as a friend instead of having them as candidates for a lover." Lovino's eyes grew wide and his lips parted slightly; he honestly did not expect this for an answer. He gathered himself as Antonio went on.

" It's strange but, the idea of loving only one person scares me, it's like I'm scared that someone would end up loving me more than I could love them or..."

"That you'll end up loving them more than they'd ever love you." Lovino finished more to himself than to Antonio.

"Yeah, just as you said."

It was silent for a short while as they both remained lost in their thoughts, both with their heads titled toward the sky. Lovino broke the silence and turned to Antonio.

"It's funny, not too long ago I was saying how stupid and simple-minded you are but, I guess my ankles are pretty much submerged now."

"..._¿Que?_"

"Nothing." Lovino chuckled to himself, for once he could think about his past without becoming an emotionally unstable wreck. "So, what about those tomatoes?"

"Ah, _sí_, I'll get them out of my back. Oh, and you should laugh more Lovi, it sounds nice." Antonio hummed to himself as he searched. Lovino just started at him, a light blush formed on his face.

"_Idiota_." He muttered.

"Here you go, they aren't as big or as good as home-grown ones but, they aren't that bad." Antonio smiled as he handed Lovino the tomato who greedily took a bite out of it.

"Why don't you grow some then?" He asked around the pile of crushed tomato in his mouth.

"I would but, I haven't got a garden."

"Pfft, what kind of person doesn't have a garden? Where the hell do you live?"

" I live in an apartment, Lovi."

"Then just get a window box." Lovino licked his fingers then continued. "You have a window right?"

Antonio laughed and nodded and they went into a string on idle chatter when Feliciano came running up to them.

"_Fratello_, there you are! I was looking all over for you, can you tie my shoelaces up for P.E.?

"Feli, how have you been?" Antonio positively beamed at the sight of him. "Here, I'll tie them up for you."

"_Grazie _Antonio." Feliciano passed his gym bag to him and sat between them. "I've very well, but Ludwig isn't here today which I'm a bit upset about."

"Why? What happened to him?"

"He became sick after he accidently ate the food Gilbert was going to give to Roderiech. I think Arthur cooked it for him well, tried to anyway."

"At least you're here to keep me company, Feli." Antonio said as he passed Feliciano's gym bag back, complete with tied up trainers. Lovino turned away from the two and fished in his bag from anything to distract him.

"Veh, really Antonio? That's nice of you."

"What could I do without my cute little ball of Italian sunshine?" Antonio cooed causing Feliciano giggle. Thankfully, Lovino found his iPod and instantly plugged in his ear phones. The first track was '_In Italia' _, turned up full blast to drown out his company with little success. Antonio kept swooning over Feliciano who just laughed and hugged him over everything he said while he remained forgotten in their conversation.

"Ah! I forgot my detention! Sorry Feli, I've got to go or I'll be in even more trouble." Antonio jumped up and grabbed his bag that was lying propped up against Lovino's leg. "See you next lesson Lovi." He said before darting off.

"Not likely." Lovino murmured before he too got up and left in the other direction to Antonio.

"Huh? Lovino? Where are you going?" Feliciano asked.

"I'm Just going to find some place I can sleep for a bit Feli, don't worry."

"Ah... Don't oversleep,_ fratello_."

"I won't." He said before he disappeared around the corner.

* * *

><p><strong>Jeez, It has been what? 2 months since I last updated, wow, I am out of practice with this writing thing...<strong>

**Anyway, this is a filler chapter which I used to get back into the habit of writing (so, please excuse me for the bad chapter) but, now I'm back into it and next chapter (for sure) will be where the interesting, angst stuff starts happening and will be up within 7 days. Some crazy things happened during my absence and I basically had no will to do anything even remotely productive but, now I do! :D**

**All feedback (whether it's positive or negative) is greatly appreciated (unless it's completely irrelevant to anything) and thank you to all of you for reading this and sticking with it! **

**Laters~**

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**Que viva España: Manolo Escobar**

**In Italia: Fabri Fibra ft. Gianni Nannini **

**Hetalia Axis Powers: Hidekaz Himaruya**


	5. Black holes and Revelations

**Therapy for a Philophobic chapter 4: Black holes and Revelations.**

* * *

><p>Brittle Autumn-coloured leaves disintegrated under relentlessly stomping feet, merging them together to form a fiery image reflecting that of the blinded artist. Lovino kicked the debris about then let out an irritated groan followed by a pair of bony hands gripping the fine strands of his hair in tight bundles. For a few moments he just stood there, eyes shut, and took deep breaths then suddenly, lashed out at the environment around him. He threw punches at the air, kicks at the wall; anything that could withstand his frustration before going weak from and overwhelming concoction of disgust and disappointment swirling around his mind then crumpled in a broken heap against a nearby wall.<p>

'_I'm doing it again'._

Lovino thought as he drew his legs to his chest. He clutched his head as he rested it against his knees, letting the sweat drip freely onto his clothes. The wind picked up, lowering the temperature enough for him to shiver slightly in his layers of clothing.

_**One guy comes along and here you are, carelessly opening your heart to him just so he can go and shred it into a thousand insignificant pieces just as you're at the peak of happiness. Just as he gets bored of you.**_

Lovino pushed himself off the floor and ran in whatever direction his uncoordinated feet took him. His body burned with rage only fuelled when he passed a mirrored window reflecting the image of his distraught self and his lamenting eyes connected momentarily before flicking forward again. The sight of his self was almost as bad as how he felt.

_How could I be so stupid? How could I, even think for a split second, think that he was different? That it was worth one more try? Why did I give that him a chance to betray me?_

_**It will happen, you know it will; it's happened countless times before and each time was worse than the last. They're all the same in the end; they're only after one thing from you, and once they have it, they'll discard you. It's just as he**__**said: 'Who keeps a tissue once they've used it?'**_

Lovino found himself at the bottom of his favourite building. Almost without thinking, he dropped his belongings which, cascaded down until they collided with the hard pavement with a thud and crack. Lovino ignored his broken items and climbed to the roof of the building where he'd be free from any prying eyes. He walked toward the centre of the roof where a metallic box-shaped vent stood. Thoughts of his family, his past 'lovers': everyone that squeezed their way into his life and heart flooded his mind, drowning him in memories he so wished to forget yet, was thankful for.

In his mind eye, Lovino could see all of them as they encircled him. Their faces and bodies were cast in shadow as they stood jeering at him, glaring at him then in the end, turning their backs to him when he pleaded for them not to leave. They all caused him pain yet all of them had said that they love him. Even Feliciano stood there, his body illuminated but, he was being pushed away regardless of how hard he tried to go back to him. Yes, Feliciano never _intentionally _hurt him. He may have been the biggest cause but, he never meant to. He alone had shown him some degree of "Love" but, he was a good at hiding his true thoughts and as he was at lying.

Lovino had always known that Feliciano knew what he put himself through on a daily basis, how could he not? Feliciano's face and body language practically screamed it every time he threw away his meal, every time he'd see clumps of his hair in the bin that had fallen out when he washed and brushed it, the times that they had almost been in a car crash when he blacked out at the wheel.

_**But did voice his concern? Did he ever try to find out why exactly he was doing this and try to stop it? **_

Lovino started to boil in his own skin, the flames of fury, anger, every negative emotion he felt, coursed through his veins, burning them to a cinder. His hands clawed at his clothes, ripping his jacket apart, tearing his shirt to pieces and he tore of his shoes before flinging them away with as much force as he could muster.

_No, of course he hadn't. _

_But why? What exactly did Feliciano truly feel about me and my actions? _

_**That's simple: Repulsion. **_

The thought startled him out of his blind rage. What had possessed him to lose control and think like this?

_That's...that's not true. I don't repulse him. Feliciano doesn't hate me; he couldn't hate anyone. He had never hurt me or betrayed me. He puts up with my moods even when I insult him and everyone he holds close. He still smiles at me when I only frown._

Slowly but surely, Lovino calmed down as he fought to block the pessimistic voice of his subconscious self with reason. But he failed to block it out completely.

_**But does that mean he loves you?**_

_**Maybe he only showed you affection because he thought someone had to, otherwise you wouldn't be here right now. Maybe you just fooled yourself into thinking that it was all worth it because you're convinced that he loves you. **_

Lovino kneeled defenceless as the doubt consumed his thoughts. He became unable to counter anything his subconscious raised. What if it was all true? What if he'd been living in a utopian illusion so large that he hadn't realised it?

Then it became clear.

_He doesn't love me, he pities me._

_**And here's why no-one can give it to you; why you cannot give it to anyone else: Love doesn't exist. It's an illusion. That's why you promised yourself that you wouldn't fall for it. **_

Lovino looked to his left and spotted a small puddle of water left from the heavy shower the night before. It was completely still and calm: the direct opposite of him.

_**So why are you about to make the same mistake again?**_

The longer he stared, the greater the weight of that question felt. It was pushing him under, making him fall lower than physically possible, swallowing and crushing him like a black hole.

_**Then stop it. Your eyes are wide open now, renew the promise you came close to breaking. Don't prove them right and show that you can amount to something; at least have one thing you can say you did right.**_

So he did. Lovino let go of everything. The only real way he could stop himself from repeating the cycle was to be free of unnecessary emotions that had encased him and replace them with numbness and finally emerge from the shell of his past-self.

_**See? Everything is so much easier...simpler, when there's nothing inside you. It only hurts when something connects with you; stay hollow and it'll pass right through. The heart is only a target for others to hit.**_

Lovino shuffled away slightly from the puddle of his insides. He looked down at his semi-naked body and smiled lightly. He lay back until he felt his back hit the cold wall of the vent behind him with a soft, almost silent thud. A small trail of bloody bile with traces of half-digested tomato trickled down various points from his lip. His eyes felt heavy but, he felt as light as a feather. He felt as if he was finally out of his cage and soaring above every cloud, looking down on all of humanity with contempt.

It was breathtaking.

Slowly, he shut his eyes with an echo of Feliciano warning him not to oversleep fluttered through his head.

"Heh, _Ci dispiace Feliciano..questo sará un sonno molto...profundo [Sorry Feliciano...this will be a deep...sleep]_" he whispered before his head lolled in unconsciousness.

* * *

><p><em>Several hours later<em>

"_Mein Gott_, I can't believe you lost half of your week's wage to thatArthur in a game of Black Jack!" Gilbert mocked and threw his arms over Françis' and Antonio's shoulders.

"Well _monsieur,_ it wasn't as bad as 'ow you lost against Erzsébeta in an arm wrestle." Françis retorted

"Ha-ha, wh-what are you talking about? That never happened." Gilbert's attempt at bluffing was painfully unconvincing as noted by Françis who smirked knowingly with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah well...Ah fuck it!" Gilbert released his hold on Antonio only to grab the head of his other friend in an unbreakable head-lock and grinded his pale knuckles into his scalp.

"_Kesesesese!_ How does it feel to be trapped in my patented Ludwig headlock?" Both Gilbert and Antonio laughed when nothing but a muffled cry emitted from the wiggling Frenchmen.

Eventually, Gilbert released his hold and the trio continued their walk out of the school, talking energetically about their day and the events that took place in the (what should've been) study sessions afterwards.

"Ah, that was fun." Antonio spoke contentedly "Well, I've got to go; I've got a little boy at home that needs feeding."

"Antonio! What did I say about kidnapping children?" Gilbert's voice was dripping with mock-horror.

"_Oui, _we can only bail you out once before the police catch you."

The group erupted with laughter then disbanded to their respective cars. Antonio walked up to his favourite parking spot; the very one he parked in when he first came to the school. He grinned when he saw Feliciano beside is little car but, on a closer inspection, his smile dropped.

"Feliciano, wha-"

"Have you seen Lovino?" Feliciano's voice was uncharacteristically serious with and undertone of intense worry.

"Er, no. What's the matter?"

"I've been waiting since school ended and I haven't seen him at all. He should've been here hours ago. I think he might've-" Feliciano clasped his mouth shut and looked cautiously at Antonio hoping that he'd not ask him to continue that sentence.

"...What? What could he have done?"

"He must still be at the school, I'll go and look for him-" Feliciano turned to leave but, Antonio grabbed his arm with a large amount of force causing Feliciano to wince in pain and try to free his self.

"Feliciano, I can help, just tell me what he did so that I can have a better idea of where he could be."

"It's nothing Antonio, don't worry. Just go home." A smile forced its way onto Feliciano's face but, didn't come close to his eyes that remained cloudy.

"Feliciano, what did he do?"

Feliciano sighed in defeat and Antonio let go of his arm.

"Look Antonio, I shouldn't tell you this but Lovino, he's...He's not well." Feliciano was completely stripped of his usual happiness; it made Antonio wonder whether he was ever truly that as happy as he seemed.

"What does he have? A cold? ...The flu?" Deep down, Antonio knew it was much worse than any of those, he was simply hoping it wasn't and it seemed that Feliciano shared that hope as he shook his head and smiled melancholically with tears filling his eyes.

"No, h-he's..."Feliciano paused for a moment to gather his self " He's...he's suffering from b-bulimia."

Antonio's heart plummeted.

"Wh-what? No, he c-can't be, he wouldn't be ...couldn't b-be..." he couldn't understand, how could Lovino be so depressed that he'd cause even more damaged to himself? "Why? What possible reason could he have to do this?

"Please Antonio, we need to find him now because, chances are he's hurt himself again."

A silence fell upon them, giving them time to fully absorb and understand the scenario.

"Wait Feliciano, you were with him when I left for detention right? Where did he go when the bell went?"

Feliciano's eyebrows furrowed in concentration "He...he went left, around the corner I think."

"Good, that gives us a starting point."

Antonio threw his bag of his back and the two ran back into the school. In a matter of seconds, they had reached the other side of school, where they had last seen Lovino and took a sharp turn left. As Antonio pushed his body to run faster, he tuned out the world around him, focusing all of his senses only on picking up any signs of life and anything he could recognise to belong to Lovino. He hadn't noticed how fast he was running until he felt a tired hand on his shoulder. He turned to face a panting Feliciano who was covered in sweat and pleading with his to slow down. In any other time, Antonio would have laughed and told how Feliciano should spend more time running after something instead of away. Instead, he grew impatient and irritated and came close to yelling at Feliciano to hurry up if he had not seen a shoe lying a few feet away from them: Lovino's shoe.

Without speaking a word, Antonio ran and picked up the shoe in one swift movement then scanned the surrounding area for more of his belongings.

"What... are you... holding, Anto..." Feliciano panted so Antonio held out the shoe for Feliciano to see clearly. "Oh my God, he must be here somewhere."

Antonio barely acknowledged Feliciano's words then spotted Lovino's bag next to the side of one of the classroom blocks. "There." He said and dashed off to the bag, clutching the shoe in his hand tightly. He dropped the lone shoe next to the bag and instinctively started to climb up the building. It was very tricky as the window sill and other ledges were very narrow but, with on final pull, Antonio yanked his body onto the roof with Feliciano following behind him.

The rush of sudden relief and happiness at the sight of Lovino would have been enough to make Antonio collapse if it weren't for the crushing amount of terror that came afterwards. There Lovino lay, partially covered in destroyed designer clothes and tinted blue from the heat had heat lost from staying exposed to the harsh wind. Antonio lost all of his strength and literally dragged his body a step at a time, closer to the broken boy. As the distance between them shortened, the more detail Antonio could take in: the internal fluids that had escaped had dried on his slightly parted lips turning a darker shade than they were originally; his hair was limp and plastered to his forehead from sweat yet, his entire body shook with every shiver, each one of his ribs stood out, defined against his almost ghost-white skin that bore an unhealthy dullness. Once Antonio was towering over the seemingly lifeless body, the stench of the rotting blood-bile mixture was carried through the wind then, assaulted his nose.

Somewhere in the distant background, he heard Feliciano's uncontrolled sobs yet, looking down at Lovino now, he struggled to comprehend why. Everything from the indifferent, foul-mouthed Italian to this broken shell of a person is who Lovino truly is.

It is beautiful.

Lovino is beautiful.

And that realisation scared Antonio more than anything.

* * *

><p><strong>Just to clarify something quickly (in the likely chance that I was unclear) the bold thoughts at the beginning are Lovino's subconscious voice. Like, you know that little voice in your head that's either that annoying voice of doubt or one that voices your fears and is generally negative , that is what it is <strong>(please tell me I'm not the only one who gets this) .<strong>**

**Anyways, I split this chapter in half because I didn't want to reveal too much in one chapter (not that I did in this one either but, you know) so, the next chapter will be more informative and will (hopefully!) be updated in 3-4 days. Also, the title has absolutely nothing to do with the MUSE album of the same name; it's purely ****coincidental.**** I also use the BTT as a personal comic relief so if you don't like them in the story, feel free to tell me and I'll change some parts in future chapters to involve them a little less.**

**As usual, all corrections, positive and negative feedback are greatly appriciated.**

**Thank you for all of the alerts, favourites and just reading the story in the first place! Every single one of you guys make me so giddy inside.**

**And a special thank you to SilversShadow13, skribble-scrabble, NEZUMIso-soup and Yuu-chi for sticking with this story! Lots of love from this awkward English girl.**


	6. Unlocking the first door of truth

**Therapy for a Philophobic chapter 5: Unlocking the first door of truth.**

**_And it is beautiful._**

**_Lovino is beautiful._**

**_But that realisation scared Antonio more than anything._**

Once he got over the initial, Antonio knelt down and lifted Lovino off the ground with immense care. He turned to face Feliciano who had stifled his cries and the two manoeuvred their way off of the roof and onto safer ground. They walked in silence back to the twin's car, Feliciano carrying Lovino's bag and single shoe. When they reached their respective cars, the two grabbed their belongings and Feliciano called a taxi knowing that neither of them wanted to be separated from Lovino until he woke, even if it was by a single seat in a car.

They stood in a tense silence as the taxi pulled up to the curb and blared an up-beat song at an unnecessarily loud volume. The two sat in the back row of seats with Lovino propped up between them.

"Where too?" the driver asked as he drummed his fingers on the steering wheel to the music, oblivious to the atmosphere of his passengers.

"148 Germander Place, Loughton." Feliciano instructed and they drove off to said destination.

For a short while, Feliciano and Antonio stared out of the nearest windows, totally absorbed in their own thoughts of the event. Antonio looked to Lovino, noticing that his natural skin tone was returning.

"What happened?" Antonio asked without taking his eyes off of Lovino.

Feliciano watched Antonio's reflection in the mirror with a moment's hesitation.

"...I don't know this for a fact but, I think it started soon after _fratello _broke up with...I'd rather not say_ his_ name."

' "_His"? _Antonio wondered '_Lovino's gay?_' "It's okay, continue."

Feliciano faced him before his eyes moved to Lovino's closed ones as if they were asking his permission to go on further. He sighed knowing that his plea would have been rejected but, he continue anyway as he felt he owed at least a small explanation to Antonio.

"Lovino was a lot younger at the time but, he really did love him despite that. Unfortunately, he didn't feel the same way in fact, it was quite the opposite." Feliciano's face contorted with misery "As you can imagine, it didn't end well and Lovi couldn't handle it, especially since he was in love with me the entire time... even as hetook Lovino's virginity." The last part of the sentence was almost unheard.

"I see..." Antonio studied Lovino's face. It was peaceful and free of his frown lines presumably caused from years of scowling. It was strange, somewhere in Antonio's mind; he couldn't help but think that this wasn't the full story. It was clear that Lovino wasn't as strong as he initially appeared to be but, he wasn't weak either. What Feliciano told him could only have been the tip of the iceberg.

"If you don't mind telling me, is there anything else that could've pushed Lovino to..._this_?"

Antonio, abnormally focused at this present time, noticed how Feliciano suddenly gripped his seat belt, turning his knuckles paper-white but, not a word was uttered from his lips and he shook his head.

"Sorry, never mind."

"We're here now." The driver informed and drove smoothly in the drive-way. Antonio's jaw dropped when his eyes landed on the Vargas home. It had red-brick walls that were partially covered in ivy. Many windows were scattered across the front, an enormous window- spanning the full height of the building- was placed in the centre of the house. It had a double-garage adjacent to its left and a grand gate leading to the garden on the right. The houses in the estate were all of a similar design which wasn't uncommon for housing in this part of England but, compared to his little flat, it was a mansion.

"Ah Antonio, c-could you help me a bit?" Feliciano strained as he tried lifting Lovino out of the car. Antonio snapped out of his daze and took hold of Lovino entirely allowing Feliciano to pay the driver then, go and open the door while Antonio followed. When Antonio stepped into the house, he immediately tried to take off his shoes whilst keeping a firm hold on Lovino in his arms. Feliciano laughed lightly and told him that he could keep his shoes on then lead him to their shared room. Antonio stared in awe at the many doors leading to unknown rooms lined up against the corridor; without a doubt, they could fit his bedroom in multiple times over.

"In here." Feliciano opened the door for Antonio to enter. He was a bit surprised to find two beds in the fairly small room. He quickly guessed that the bed adorned in cuddly toys and surrounded by paper and various drawing equipment to be Feliciano's leaving the more sophisticated one to be Lovino's. As such, Antonio moved to the far side of the room and gently placed Lovino onto the bed then gradually pulled the duvet underneath him out so that he could place it on top of him.

Once he was done, Antonio turned back to Feliciano who was sitting on his bed and loosely holding a tattered kitten plush. Without any impulse from Antonio, Feliciano began speaking:

"I always got lonely at night and it was horrible after having a bad dream that I ended up sleeping with Lovi. It got so frequent that I asked him to move to my room and being the Lovino that he is, he utterly refused to do so, so I moved in with him. Even now he still complains but, I know he doesn't mean it." His voice was lighter, more like how Antonio was used to hearing it and he wore a nostalgic smile as he looked at Lovino sleep. "Not really."

For a few moments, Antonio watched Feliciano in his trance then, back to Lovino who had still not shown any signs of waking up.

"Oh! Look at the time, _papá _will be back very soon; I better go make some lasagne. Would you like to stay for dinner Antonio?" He smiled and nodded. "Okay, feel free to stay up here or anywhere else you'd like to go, it'll be about half-an-hour before it is ready."

"_Gracias _Feli, I'll just stay here for a bit. I think it would be better if Lovino woke up and had someone there to explain things to him; even if I'm probably the one person he'd never be over-the-moon to see." Antonio half-joked. Feliciano chuckled then, smiled at him for a prolonged amount of time before heading out of the door and shutting it behind him.

Antonio exhaled deeply, he was completely exhausted not to mention uncomfortable at how uncharacteristic both Vargas brothers were compared to how everyone thought they were. He took a nearby stool and sat next to Lovino's bed, and just watched his chest rise with each breath.

"_Lovino is beautiful_"replayed through Antonio's mind like an old record stuck on loop. Shivers ran through his body at every thought forming small droplets of sweat that slid down the nape of his neck with uneasiness. It was a fact, at least, in his mind; in his heart. But, what were the implications of this? What did it mean exactly, to think of another person as "beautiful" in a way no-one else is?

In the midst of his mind, he vaguely heard a door slam; an unknown voice call out to which Feliciano replied in a forced cheerful voice and Lovino twitched as he tensed up at the sounds. However, Antonio was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't acknowledging this.

He already knew what the implications were: he had read enough about it and seen other people share it yet; he wasn't prepared for it in the slightest.

Antonio used one hand to wipe the sweat from his neck and used the other to take Lovino's hand in his own.

"But, that doesn't mean I won't accept it." he smiled as he spoke and used his thumb to caress the back of Lovino's hand who relaxed back into his pillow in response.

"_Ahem."_

The sound of a man clearing his throat bought Antonio back to reality and he snapped his head back to face him.

"_Benvenuto, _you must be Antonio, _sì? _I'm Feliciano's father but, you can call me Ricciardo." Although the man, Ricciardo, spoke politely and friendly, his eyes bore a hidden glare that was directed at Antonio and Lovino's intertwined hands. Once Antonio noticed the glare, he snatched his hand back from Lovino who had woken from the sudden movement with a disorientated look on his face. "Excuse me for cutting your moment short but, I would like to talk to Lovino in private. Feliciano has dinner ready, go and enjoy yourself."

"A-ah, yes. Um..." Antonio turned to see that Lovino had propped himself up on the pillows. He was taken aback by the lifeless look on his face; the golden specks in his eyes no longer glistened in the light and seemed as if they had bled into the surrounding green iris creating a flat and unappealing hazel that resembled mould. His skin, although not as pale as it was when he had found him, was a sickly shade and was darker under his eyes making Lovino look as if he had never even heard of the word "sleep".

The worst part however, was that Lovino was smiling at him. An utterly hollow smile. Yet somehow, it was completely genuine as if in some incomprehensible way, Lovino was _happy_.

Antonio left the room with a near inaudible click.

* * *

><p>"Did you meet my <em>papá<em>, Antonio?" Feliciano asked with his back turned from him as he took out a bowl of lasagne from the oven.

"Huh? Oh..._sí._" Antonio wandered to the glass dining table and took a seat on a shiny, black leather chair.

"He's such a nice, caring father; he's done so much for me and Lovino. He kind of reminds me of Ludwig you know, Gilbert's brother? Of course, he's just older and a lot more talkative." Feliciano cut up the lasagne and served it up on dishes that were almost mini-master pieces in their own way before, untying his black apron and draping it on the counter beside him. "Not that there's anything wrong with how little Ludwig talks after all, I probably speak so much that I don't leave any room for him to join in!" Feliciano chuckled "But when Ludwig does talk, it's always so..." Feliciano sighed contentedly then remembered the meal "Oh! Is this too much Anto...?"

When Feliciano turned to show Antonio his portion, he finally noticed how quiet, still and well... _un-_Antonio-like he was. Feliciano abandoned the plates on the side then hurried over to sit in front of Antonio.

"Antonio, w-what's wrong? Wha-"

"How can you just stand there and act as if nothing's wrong?" his voice was quiet and tense as it held back a flow of mixed emotion.

"Antonio, look I-"

"Why does he-How can no-one..." Antonio's voice grew in volume and pitch, as he grabbed clumps of his hair and scrunched his hands into his fists in frustration. His face grew redder as he closed his eyes tight enough to hold back the tears."Why didn't I notice before?To let this slip under my nose and stay up on cloud nine as if everyone was there with me."

"Antonio please, it's not your fault. Just let me explain-" Feliciano's attempts at calming him down were ignored.

"I mean, did you see him? How even in this state, he could think that-And I promised that I'd help him, that I'd make him smile: I _promised. ¿por qué carajo? [_why for fuck's sake?]" Antonio groaned in defeat then, buried his face in his hands, too ashamed to show his tears that flowed uncontrollably down his face. "Why is it that I can't do anything right? Why do I make the same mistakes again? Why am I so...so _stupid_?"

Feliciano studied the broken man before him. He had to make a decision whether to break the promise he made to his Father or watch those around him fall apart into oblivion. The choice was already made.

"Before I tell you anything Antonio, I need you to understand that this entire conversation can never be mentioned again, not to my father and especially not to Lovino." Feliciano's tone was sharp and serious. Antonio brought his head up and stared, open-mouthed at Feliciano then wiped the tears on his face before nodding cautiously. Feliciano swallowed the lump in his throat.

"12 years ago, when we still lived in Venice, Italy my Mother died. She committed suicide after killing my newborn brother, Sebastiano, in front of Lovino." Antonio stared, wide-eyed but, remained speechless giving time for Feliciano to collect himself and continue.

"It was _horrible. _When _papá _found him, he was covered in b-blood: every inch of him was drenched in it as he lay right next to her body. He didn't, not even for a second, take his eyes off her as he moved her limp arms so that they could wrap around his tiny body in a final embrace. After that, he never spoke, he never ate: he just slept. But that was when he was vulnerable. The memories flooded in where they would have been held back in consciousness, and then he would scream his throat raw and writhe in physical and emotional agony throughout the night. _Papá _had to take him out of school for a while as he'd start attacking everyone who had a mother to pick them up. Lovino was very close to our Mother, closer to her than he's been to anyone in his life and that's why our father had to do what he did: to stop Lovino from losing it and following in her footsteps. Or worse. "

Antonio hung onto every word that Feliciano spoke. Although none of it was what anyone would want to hear, he was so grateful to finally take a step into understanding Lovino.

"...I don't know exactly where Lovino went or what happened there; it's all a blur now but, he changed. So I did too. I create the 'cheerful and ever-happy Feliciano' that everyone knows today, to try and get Lovino to use his emotions again. Heh, the only thing I could get out of him was anger and envy but, I guess anything is better than nothing. Eventually-"

Their heads snapped to the staircase as the sound of a door closing echoed down the hall. Antonio looked to Feliciano who nodded and the two got up, cleared away their forgotten food and cleared away any signs that could reveal what they had been discussing before putting on a façade. They struck up a random conversation about school, and forced their voices to sound relaxed which much success as Ricciardo entered the room.

"So, I trust the lasagne was delicious. Did you enjoy it Antonio?" Ricciardo asked with his deep, alluring voice layered with a thick Italian accent.

"Uh-huh, it was very delicious _señor, _just as expected from a true Italian cook, _no_?" Antonio replied taking note of how tired he looked and how regret was etched across his face, leaving a few aesthetically placed lines every here and there.

"Ha-ha, yes. Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it." Ricciardo rubbed the back of his neck and stifled a yawn. "If you'll excuse me, I'm in dire need of a siesta: chasing girls all day does take its toll on this old dog." The trio chuckled lightly and Antonio and Feliciano bid their goodnights to him as he left the room. Antonio looked at the clock. 7:12pm it read.

"Feliciano, _muchas gracias; _I now have a clearer insight and understanding of Lovino and you have shown me a great feat in trust and platonic love: both of wish I had those years ago in Spain."

Feliciano smiled a small smile and nodded his head in acknowledgment.

"I should go now, thank you for your hospitality. I'll show myself out."

Once Antonio had left the house, he inhaled deeply, simply because he needed the air. Just before he left the Vargas property, he looked up to Lovino's window and jumped slightly to have his gaze returned to by said male. They held their gazes for what felt like a lifetime in a matter of seconds. Everything that happened so far, the highs and lows, invaded Antonio's mind. They held each other's gazes until Antonio smiled warmly at him, receiving a void expression in return. He then, turned the corner to start his foot journey back to his small apartment with no idea how to get there in the first place. It, like his life from now on, was an adventure never made before. A dangerous one.

* * *

><p><strong>And that's the second part of the previous chapter~! yeah, the two parts were short but, together they total to about 6,300 words which is more than any of my previous chapters.<strong>

**Anyway, this is the first chapter so far that I can say I'm quite pleased with (yay!) but, I'll leave the judging of that to you. Just a heads up, what Feliciano told Antonio was only about a third of what I have install for Lovino's past (I know, I'm victimising him a bit :P) and that will be uncovered later on in future chapters but, **_**possibly **_**at a slower rate. Also, in case you've have forgotten, Ricciardo is Lovino's dad (i.e. rome) whom I chose to make his dad instead of his grandfather as well as called Ricciardo (meaning "Firm ruler/leader") instead of Romulus because everyone else refers to him as that and it's not his official name.**

**As usual, ****feel free ****no, I **_**beg **_**of ****you to point out any flaws, whether it's punctuation, spelling , grammar in general and in particular, use of foreign language (I'm using Google translate for them and we all know how accurate that is), point them out to me and stop me from making an idiot of myself.**

**Again, thank you all so much for reading this story, reviewing it, alerting it and adding it to your favourites! Even more so for those who have added me to their favourite and alerted me (you guys, I would hug you if I could!)**

**All reviews, whether positive, negative or a prediction are welcome as long as it's relevant to me or the story.**

**Later, until I update again**

**-mezza-verita**

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**(feel free to contact me on any of these websites btw)**


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